Remember when you were young and stupid? Yeah me too.
The following is a true and unadorned account of my past…in all its horrific glory.
I imagine that most people probably make mistakes and have dated people they probably aren’t proud of and have no idea what they saw in them in the first place. I am guilty of all of the above and worse. I started by setting the bar low. I mean, really low. Like so low that Han couldn’t even reach it. (See what I did there??) But hey, I was 16. Young and stupid. And then of course you have the people who never learn from their mistakes (I may have fallen into that category a time or two as well.)
I’ll never forget my first date with my first love (if you can call him that.) It was winter and the local zoo did a special event where they would hang Christmas lights in all the exhibits and the animals would have winter themed toys like giant ice cubes and candy canes in their pens. It’s a pretty romantic date when you walk around the zoo with your sweetie, admiring the pretty twinkly lights and snuggle close to them when it gets chilly and sipping hot chocolate.
That was the plan. Not a bad idea. But before heading out to our zoo adventure, the other couple on our double date was hungry so we decide to go to a burger joint called Fuddruckers who specialize in steak fries and cheese sauce. I order my food, get cheese sauce and sit down while my date waits for his order.
I make small talk with the other couple who were his friends and I didn’t know them very well. They seem nice enough, and funny, so my first date jitters are starting to recede. When my date finally arrives at the table the boys start talking and goofing off. At some point my date makes some joke about being a woman, or wearing make-up, or something. Before I know it, he has steak fry in hand and is dipping said fry into the cheese sauce.
Then, as if in a CoverGirl commercial, he starts generously applying the cheese sauce across his lips, cheeks and eye lids…
I. Was. Horrified. Like…HORRIFIED.
The boys howl with laughter and the surrounding tables begin to stare. I was so embarrassed. Now, I don’t embarrass easily, but if your date was sitting in front of you, in a public place, looking like a demented, nacho cheese version of Swamp Thing, waving their arms and laughing like a hyena, I DARE you to not to turn a little red.
But I was so nervous that I didn’t say anything. I wanted to crawl out of my skin right there and go find a hole to hide in. He could keep my skin, I didn’t care, I just wanted out of that situation DESPERATELY. But still, I said nothing. Eventually, he wiped off his face. But the smell of processed cheese lingered about him the entire night.
The rest of the date went well enough, to be honest I don’t remember a lot of it until he gave me a kiss goodnight. I couldn’t help but notice the trace of cheese left in his eyelashes…shudder….
And this ladies and gents, is the guy I dated for 3 1/2 years. Young and stupid, oh trust me, I got it covered. If you’ve got a worse first date story, I’d love to hear it. Feel free to comment.
Until next time kiddos, smile on,