Why I Should Only Date Superheroes

You all know my sad history of dating guys (and if not, read my previous posts). Now it’s time to date men. Real men. Super men. Superheroes. (They’re real right?)

Superheroes populate the big screen, silver screen, small screen and any other mobile device of your choosing. They emulate the best in humanity: strength, courage, justice, moral righteousness, power and compassion. Who wouldn’t want someone with all of those amazing qualities?

Let’s take a quick profile of some of the more popular heroes:

Wolverine: Sure, he’s a little vertically challenged, a bit gruff, might have slight anger issues and problems controlling his temper. But I think deep down he’s kind of a softy. I like tough guys, manly guys, guys who I can trust to protect me. (Not that I’m in a great need of protection, but a sense of security is greatly important.) However, I think he’s more into gingers and I can’t pull off that color.

Superman: Steel in human form. But he’s not human. He’s Kryptonian. He’s exotic. This guy’s got it all. Super human strength, power of flight, x-ray vision, laser vision (guess he doesn’t need Lasik) AND he looks good in glasses. Another guy for the strong category, and reliable as well. Definitely would be there to catch me when I fall. Plus he wouldn’t take long getting ready in the morning, so long as I get a phone booth installed in the house. But I’m not sure if I’d like him just zipping off all the time to save people. I like guys who want to spend quality time with me.

How about the Batman? Dark, broody, mysterious, millionaire. JUSTICE. and … more JUSTICE. And his gizmos seem pretty cool. Batmobile, Batsub, Batcycle. He knows how to travel in style.Yeah, I like a man who has morals and knows right from wrong, but all that angst might bring me down in the end and black isn’t really my color so… moving on.

Deadpool… now there’s a character. Seems to be pretty popular these days. Definitely an extrovert and funny to boot, but has at least one or ten screws loose. He’s got a lot of energy and enthusiasm, and I need somebody that can keep up with my adventurous and outgoing nature. And I do like a guy that can keep me laughing. A good sense of humor is at the top of my list. But I’d be inclined to request that he keep his mask on because… well, let’s face it, finding someone attractive is an important part of a relationship and that guy has a face only his mother could love. A superhero butterface… buttisface … yeah that doesn’t work the other way around..

Of course there are oodles upon oodles of other heroes out there I could profile: Spider-man (always finding himself in sticky situations), Iron Man (narcissist), Gambit (incessant flirt), the Flash (a little too forward if you catch my drift).

Everyone’s got flaws, even superheroes. It’s what makes them relatable. I don’t want a perfect man. Mr. Perfect is more fictitious than any comic book hero. My superhero will love me despite of my flaws and maybe even think I’m cuter because of them. In all my geeky, nerdy, dorky, goofy glory.

Smile on,

Maven

Ms. Marvel

Follow me on Twitter @Maven713

The Oversharer

Hi, yes, I see you. No, I don’t want to know your life story. Oh wait… too late, you’ve already told me.

Sigh…. now I feel obligated to reply to your sad sob story. Just to shoot you down. Again.

Oh, it’s you again. Are you happy? Are you happy that you’ve had to settle for guilt trips with girls who are trying just to be honest and tell you they aren’t interested? Well, I tell ya, it’s working. I feel horrible for shooting you down now a THIRD time, but not so bad that I want to begin a conversation with you.

The Oversharer

“To effectively communicate we must realize that we all are different in the way that we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” – Tony Robbins

Look, I’m sorry that your last girlfriend left you. I’m sorry you thought she was the one. I’m sorry that you’re afraid of getting hurt again. Your self-deprecating humor isn’t helping your cause. No, you’re wrong, God isn’t to blame for your break up. I bet it has more to do with the fact that you still live with your mom who cooks and cleans and does your laundry (thanks for sharing) or maybe it’s that you still work at the same video store that you have since HS. (*Sidenote: Did you know those still existed? I thought they had all turned into little box things at supermarkets or that online service where you can watch movies by stealing your sister’s password and email address. Who knew?)

Oh… now you’re reciting poetry to me…or are those song lyrics? I’m sorry I can’t tell. Oh you wrote it yourself…Yes… very nice…no, I still don’t want to date you.

I’m sorry honey, but I’ll be honest, I don’t quite think you’re ready for a relationship. I have a feeling that you might have just a bit of baggage that you’re holding onto. But, and being fully conscious of sounding like a Disney song, let it go. That baggage isn’t helping you.

Go get yourself a hobby, go join an intramural team, go hang out with your friends, go do something that makes you happy. Do something that makes you happy every day. Eventually you’ll forget about that ex and you’ll be a new, happy person, ready to embrace a new relationship. No, I probably won’t want to date you then either, but you’ll be more attractive. Guaranteed. Confidence is sexy. Happiness is sexy. And I bet someone somewhere will want to date you.

So leave your sob stories behind. Do away with the guilt trips. Put on a smile and an honest face and show your future Mrs. who you can be.

She can thank me later.

Smile on,

Maven

What the Fuddruckers?

Remember when you were young and stupid?  Yeah me too.

The following is a true and unadorned account of my past…in all its horrific glory.

Han YOLO?

Han YOLO?

I imagine that most people probably make mistakes and have dated people they probably aren’t proud of and have no idea what they saw in them in the first place. I am guilty of all of the above and worse.  I started by setting the bar low. I mean, really low. Like so low that Han couldn’t even reach it. (See what I did there??)  But hey, I was 16. Young and stupid. And then of course you have the people who never learn from their mistakes (I may have fallen into that category a time or two as well.)

I’ll never forget my first date with my first love (if you can call him that.)  It was winter and the local zoo did a special event where they would hang Christmas lights in all the exhibits and the animals would have winter themed toys like giant ice cubes and candy canes in their pens. It’s a pretty romantic date when you walk around the zoo with your sweetie, admiring the pretty twinkly lights and snuggle close to them when it gets chilly and sipping hot chocolate.

Best restaurant name ever

That was the plan. Not a bad idea. But before heading out to our zoo adventure, the other couple on our double date was hungry so we decide to go to a burger joint called Fuddruckers who specialize in steak fries and cheese sauce. I order my food, get cheese sauce and sit down while my date waits for his order.

I make small talk with the other couple who were his friends and I didn’t know them very well. They seem nice enough, and funny, so my first date jitters are starting to recede. When my date finally arrives at the table the boys start talking and goofing off.  At some point my date makes some joke about being a woman, or wearing make-up, or something. Before I know it, he has steak fry in hand and is dipping said fry into the cheese sauce.

Then, as if in a CoverGirl commercial, he starts generously applying the cheese sauce across his lips, cheeks and eye lids…

I. Was. Horrified. Like…HORRIFIED.

The boys howl with laughter and the surrounding tables begin to stare. I was so embarrassed. Now, I don’t embarrass easily, but if your date was sitting in front of you, in a public place, looking like a demented, nacho cheese version of Swamp Thing, waving their arms and laughing like a hyena, I DARE you to not to turn a little red.

But I was so nervous that I didn’t say anything.  I wanted to crawl out of my skin right there and go find a hole to hide in.  He could keep my skin, I didn’t care, I just wanted out of that situation DESPERATELY. But still, I said nothing. Eventually, he wiped off his face. But the smell of processed cheese lingered about him the entire night.

The rest of the date went well enough, to be honest I don’t remember a lot of it until he gave me a kiss goodnight. I couldn’t help but notice the trace of cheese left in his eyelashes…shudder….

And this ladies and gents, is the guy I dated for 3 1/2 years.  Young and stupid, oh trust me, I got it covered.  If you’ve got a worse first date story, I’d love to hear it. Feel free to comment.

Bon Appetit

Bon Appetit

Until next time kiddos, smile on,

Maven

 

Do you hear the winds of change?

The Winds of Change

Do you hear that? Source

Don’t you just hate it when you’ve got a good thing going and then life comes along and spoils the whole thing? Yeah, me too.

I’ve been quite happy blogging about my terrible dating experiences over the past few months. The constant stream of terrible was giving me ample supply of post ideas. Then, wouldn’t you know it? I go and have some pretty fabulous dates.  Good enough to actually occupy my weekends which is my typical blog writing days. Darn life.  Go and throw me a curveball like that? What about my readers?  So I apologize for my lack of posts over the past couple weeks.  I’ve actually been a bit preoccupied having fun adventures which (in my opinion) are typically better than misadventures but, admittedly, less exciting to read about.

Then I got to thinking.  What if I keep having good dates?  What if one good date leads to another, which leads to another, eventually I’m going to run out of personal material for my blog. And then what, dear reader, can you look forward to?  I can’t let you down like that. To combat this I’m looking to expand beyond the realm of bad dating stories and dive deeper into some of my other interests such as my love for comics, video games, cosplay and of course Star Wars.

(Sidenote: If you too are interested in the aforementioned pop culture topics and others, check out the Popular Fanatics podcast and/or the Twenty One Podcast. Good stuff!)

With that said, I still have plenty of tales to regale you with from many dating misadventures but they might be less frequent than before.

So be on the look out for a new take on the blog, but I promise, you’ll still get all my delightful sarcasm and brilliant wit no matter the topic.

Enjoy the spring and smile on,

Maven

The Bold Buffoon

Source

What’s fat, slimy and drinks a lot of coffee?….. Java the Hut Source

I like my men like I like my coffee, strong, bold, with a touch of sweetness. And, like coffee, being bold has its limits, too much and it’s just bitter.

I had a date from of one of those “free sites.” The ones where I, like other naive women, found out the hard way are mostly booty call sites. This was proven to me by a guy who would only text me at 2:30 am who wanted to come over and “hang out.” Not what I’m looking for. But my current date had called me twice and he seemed, for the most part, normal and so the date unfolds…

I meet him at a Barnes and Noble in a mall.  I figure a nice, public, quiet place was the right kind of environment for our first date.  He had told me he wanted to grab a cup of coffee, so I figured it was as good a place as any.

Things start out ok. We talk a little, he buys me a hot chocolate, and we decide, after we run out of things to talk about in the book store, that we should take a walk around the mall….which is when things get weird.

Looking better by the minute Source

Looking better by the minute Source

(Sidenote: We ran out of things to talk about in a book store. Seriously? If you can’t find something to talk about when you are surrounded by new topics to discuss in every direction the chemistry is obviously lacking. Why I couldn’t see the huge red flag waving in front of my face at that point I don’t know…However, I’m pretty sure ‘Naivety Goggles’ can pretty much blind anybody… I should patent those. “Naivety Goggles – for those who can’t handle the truth.”  I could get Jack Nicholson to be the spokesperson and sell them at bars as a substitute for Beer Goggles… I could guarantee less of a hang over…but no less regret.)

We start walking around the mall when suddenly he reaches down and holds my hand.  Now, I’ve known the man for a grand total of about 10 minutes at this point and I don’t know about you, but that’s a little early for hand holding in my opinion. “BUT,” I think to myself, “…. it’s not THAT bad I guess,” so I let him continue to hold it.

We walk around and he keeps mentioning how nice I am compared to his ex-girlfriend. “You’re the perfect height compared to my ex.” Or “You’re so much funnier than my ex.” Then he starts talking about how he wants to go camping and how much fun “we” would have and how he’d like to take a biking trip “together” and how he thinks I’LL MAKE A REALLY GOOD MOTHER. First date… fer realz?? Look, I appreciate boldness but this is ridiculous. At this point I’m thinking his longest relationship was probably with an extra-large pizza.

His hand is getting sweatier by the minute and after what seemed like 20 laps around the mall he eventually launches into the story of how he recently caught his ex-fiance in his bed with another guy… at this point he is now squeezing the life out of my hand in anger and my bones making cracking noises.

I try distracting his rage by pointing out a mountain bike sale. This ploy works because we head into the store. Yay! He releases his death grip and immediately gravitates to the bike rack.

“It’d be so great if you would come biking with me,” he says. “We should get you sized for a bike!” I tell him it’s ok, I’m really not that into biking but he insists and calls the store clerk over. Before I know it, I’m straddling a $700 bike while he haggled with the clerk to throw in a pair of riding gloves and clips for free. As he starts examining the bike from a different angle, I hop off and catch up with the clerk who had left to speak with his manager. I explain to him that I am REALLY not interested in buying the bike and we would be going.


We leave, his sweaty palm gripping mine, and he walks me to my car. I lie through my teeth and tell him that it was nice meeting him and that maybe we could do it again sometime. I try to give him a hug goodbye when he takes my face in his hands and kisses me then gives me a long lingering hug and tells me how nice it is to have a girlfriend again…(WHAT!? Deer in headlights…ghost pale…eyes the size of saucers… mind…well…I kept my sanity.) I tell him that I think he’s got the wrong idea and that I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. His face falls and he walks dejected to his car.

I get in my car and speed home as fast as I possibly can. Robert Frost said, “Freedom lies in being bold,” and for that guy, his freedom was from me.

Smile on,

Maven

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

This guy is a winnerI found a winner.

Yep, that’s right, I found a guy with the looks of a Greek god, ambition, the desire to travel, a sense of right and wrong, impeccable grammatical skills, a born romantic, a family man… what else is there to ask for?

His profile appeared on my screen as if fate and magic had a baby and that baby was called NiceDude7843. His words just called to me. I felt as if I was to be swept away at any moment and carried in his muscular arms off to a beach somewhere at sunset.

He chose his words with such care, such compassion, such diligence. This man, you can tell, is a man of quality.  A man of courage.  A man who will do just about anything to get to the gym on time.

Such a well-crafted profile deserves some extra attention which is why I chose it to be the focus of my post.  The following is the exact quote of his inspiring words…

“im like to work out i do way to much as my brother says. i love to take long walks on the beach. i would never do anything to hert anyone unless they hert me first. i would like to go to pairs some day.”

This is what a winner looks like kids. Now go eat your Wheaties and drink your Muscle Milk so you can be a winner too.

Until next time, smile on,

Maven

DISCLAIMER:  Profile name NiceDude7843 is fictitious. Any resemblance of an actual profile name is purely coincidental.

The quote however, and the guy who wrote it are, sadly, true.

What Dentists and Bad Kissers Have in Common

The Dentist…

AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

Is this how you feel?

For some, a source of cleansing of all those little nooks and crannies in your chompers. For others, a source of pure fear. Who would have thought bad kissers could be described the same way?

I’ve never been afraid to go to the dentist. All those sharp and shiny tools I know are just to help get my pearly whites pearlier and I make my bi-yearly trip to the office. I like to keep my teeth healthy. I think my smile is probably one of my better features.

My smile is probably one of the reasons why I was asked out by a guy now only referred to as “The Dentist.”  I knew him fairly well. He was a friend of a friend and we had hung out a few times at parties together. He was very cute and apparently valedictorian of his high school class so I figured he had at least a little smarts.

He picked me up at my apartment and we went to dinner. Afterward, we went back to his apartment to watch a movie.  Now, I don’t recall the movie, but I do recall the horror. We were probably 20 minutes in when he did the whole “yawn-and-reach-arm-around-girl” thing. Hiding my chuckle at such an amateur move, I figured “why not?” and snuggled into him.  It wasn’t long after when he turned his face toward mine and planted a kiss on my lips.

The first kiss wasn’t bad. But, as some of you regular readers have probably learned by now, things are never quite as they first seem with me. (Sidenote: I have certainly sensed a pattern with this as I have started writing this blog. So often I write, “It was ok at first,” or something similar only for things to turn out rather poorly later. Maybe what I need is someone to treat me really badly at first and then things will ultimately get better? No…probably not…That is the kind of thinking that leads nice girls to date bad guys and I don’t want to do that. Although it would be kinda cool to date Boba Fett or Loki. Wonder if they’d treat me nicely?)

A decent first kiss usually leads to another, and in a dark room with some mindless movie playing in the background, it was the perfect make-out scenario. But nothing could have prepared me for what happened next…

He. Licked. My. Gums.

Yes… you read that right. LICKED. As if he was cleaning them. Over and over, licked.  Utter shock and repulsion can not even describe how I felt at that moment but it’s the closest I’ve got. I was so shocked I just froze, allowing him to get both top and bottom clean. Thank you, Mr. Dentist.

I was so weirded out, but giving him the benefit of the doubt (here I go again), I thought maybe it was just a weird kissing experiment he tried on me and wouldn’t do again. Nope…

So at this point my mind is racing trying to think of a legitimate (or illegitimate, I didn’t really care at this point) excuse to get the heck out of there. Somehow I convinced him that I really needed to go.

We were in the car on the way back to my place and my sense of relief was growing the closer I got to home. Unfortunately, I let my guard down too soon.

As I turned to get out of the car, I realized the door wouldn’t open. I turned back to ask him to put the car in park so the doors would unlock when he launched his full assault on my mouth. My face squeezed between his hands, lips smashed together, tongue down my throat, around my gums, across my lips. I finally managed to pull free of his grasp and told him I REALLY had to go. Thank God he unlocked the door.

Free at last.

Nothing, NOTHING will ever compare to that night. For having my teeth “cleaned” I sure did feel dirty… and he didn’t even give me a free toothbrush.

Smile on,

Maven

5 Reasons Your Dating Profile Fails

She’s waiting…

Mary Jane

I believe without a shadow of doubt that there is someone for every one and your dream girl is out there too. The Cleopatra to your Anthony, the Leia to your Han, the Mary Jane to your Peter Parker, the Selena Gomez to your Justin Beiber (just kidding).

But how to find her?

If you’re on a dating site, that’s a start. According to a study recently published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, over 1/3 of all marriages begin online. (Look at that, I have an actual factual statistic AND it’s cited.)

However, if your profile is giving off a bad impression, you’re not doing yourself any favors my friend. (Especially if it’s going for Schwartzenegger and it’s coming off sounding more like a muppet… Sorry, bad joke.)

I like to stick by the “golden rule” of online dating which is:

FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE EVERYTHING

Example A

Don’t do this

I can’t tell you all the guys’ profiles I skipped because of a bad picture. Am I shallow because I close them out before reading their time-crafted, heart-felt profiles?  Maybe, a little. But you know what? It comes down to the economics of supply and demand. There’s always another guy’s profile to check because there are hundreds of thousands of them out there. Which is all the more reason why you need to make YOUR profile stand out.

#1 NO PHOTO

No Picture

C’mon now… I dare you to find a faster way to tell me that you don’t care about meeting someone online. It gives off the impression that you either didn’t take the time to upload a picture when you decided to join or that you are so unsatisfied with your looks that you’d rather they just be a mystery until you meet the girl.

Ok, I understand the guys who want to meet girls who love them for who they are on the inside and not based on looks (trust me, girls want that too) but unless you plan on spending your entire relationship like Shia LeBeouf with a paper bag over your head, you NEED a picture.

#2 EVERY PICTURE IS TAKEN FROM 30 FEET AWAY and YOU’RE WEARING SUNGLASSES

Eiffel Tower, Colosseum, Sphinx, Taj Mahal, well, I can see you are quite the world traveler. It’s great that you’ve done so much in your life but if I wanted to see pictures of the world I’d pull out a Nat Geo.

I’m online because I want to see your FACE which is difficult to decipher from such a distance. Not only that, but you’re wearing sunglasses.  Short of the paper bag, that might be the second best way to hide your features. Bottom line, don’t do it.  One or maybe two world traveler pictures are fine, but you better have a nice close up as your primary.

#3 PICTURES WITH OTHER WOMEN

Google search result from: "Guy with hot sister"

Google search result from: “Guy with hot sister”

I don’t care if she’s your sister, your cousin, or your best “nothing-is-ever-going-to-happen-with-her-because-I’ve-known-her-my-whole-life-and-I-made-several-awkward-attempts-in-junior-high-and-have-been-rejected-too-many-times-to-count” friend. She’s hot and she’s got her arms around you.  Looks to me like you’ve already got a woman in your life and aren’t in need of another.

This might come as a surprise to some of you, but I swear, this is what we women think when we see this picture. This picture MIGHT be ok if it’s buried toward the back of your allotted picture count, and it’s usually ok if the picture involves other family members as well. But if your main profile picture features you and one hottie looking quite happy together your profile is going to get overlooked.

#4 TOO MANY PICTURES OF DOGS

Poor gator never saw it coming

Poor gator never saw it coming

You can sub dogs for cats, birds, iguanas, whatever. It’s great that you have a pet. I’d like to see you and your best four-footed pal. But FIVE pictures of JUST your furry friend? One, MAYBE two pictures of your pet is acceptable, but we women folk would much rather see you in the picture as well.  Two adorable creatures in the same picture are always better than one.

#5 OUT OF FOCUS PICTURE

Unless you’re just naturally blurry, post a picture where your facial features are actually distinguishable.

The art of having a good profile picture really shouldn’t be that difficult.  As I mentioned in my previous post: Do’s and Don’ts of Dating Profiles, have a friend take a picture of you smiling your best smile (usually showing some teeth), in a place where you’re truly happy. Compile a few of these (5-8 at a minimum) in various scenarios with a variety of friends and you’re on your way to getting noticed.  Just be sure that your best picture, your “headshot,” featuring you and ONLY you, is your primary photo.

You pair some stellar pictures with a sensibly written (I’m talking around 300 words or so) profile elaborating on your life, hobbies, hopes, dreams and ideal match and you’re bound to get some views, likes, stars, favorites, emails, winkies, or whatever method of telling you someone is interested.  Best of luck out there Romeo.

Until next time, smile on,

Maven

All my Exes Live in Text-es

Image

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. – George Bernard Shaw

Texting is so easy. When given the option between calling someone new and texting them, 86% of people will choose to text. That’s a statistic I just made up. But it’s probably true.  And when it comes to online dating, texting people to get a feel for them before you actually meet them isn’t such a bad idea.  Now I get the cons of texting.  No inflection. Hard to tell sarcasm. Difficult to know if thsomeone hasth a thspeech impediment. But look at the pros:

  • It’s quick
  • It’s easy
  • It allows you to multitask, like watch tv and hold a conversation without getting yelled at for not paying attention
  • You find out pretty quickly if they are a good speller and their grammar skill level (something I like to look for in a guy. After the third time that he uses the wrong “you’re/your” or “they’re/their/there” in a sentence he has lost my respect…forever.)

I think the biggest reason why people begin communicating via text is because it allows for a certain social distance between them. It’s not as personal. You want to test out the waters with someone before you jump off the deep end and call them. Heaven forbid they hear the sound of your voice. And in some cases, this is probably the wiser course of action, it was for me at least.  Allow me to regale you:

I’ve told you the story of Mr. Emoticon Buttslap with his ridiculous use of smilies and exclamation points. But at least he actually got a date from me.  The last guy I met online who started texting me didn’t even get that far.

At first I thought I thought he was ok.  He texted, “Hi, how are you? How’s your day going?”  I replied with a standard, “Oh, ya know, work, work, work, blah blah blah,” to which replied with a “lol.”

(Sidenote: Who started “lol”? Was it AOL? Yahoo? ICQ? Remember when we all had AIM and were just learning how to abbreviate our words so that our parents never knew what the heck we were saying?

Sk8rboi7: Hey qt! U rok my sox. 

L33tFTW: Lol u make me rofl, that was gr8. i literally lmfao.

Sk8rboi7: wft? literally? is that possible?

L33tFTW: no, j/k ok g2g, ttyl.

Sigh…we’ve come a long way from those days but still I doubt people actually laugh out loud as much as they lol. So why would you say it? That’s just lying. Lying is mean. And if you were actually, literally, rolling on the floor laughing, well, that probably took some time and I doubt you would have been able to get up, catch your breath and reply that quickly. Liar.)

Anyway, the next day I get a text from him, “Hi, how’s it going? How’s your day?” I texted him back, but then a couple hours later he sends me another text. “Hey, how’s your afternoon going?” to which I replied, “oh, same old, same old.” Later that evening he texts me, “hey! How was your day?” This pattern continued over the course of about a week. This wouldn’t have been so bad if there had been different texts in between or if he would have actually acted like he cared how my day was going. Like if I said, “oh work is really crazy right now” he might reply, “oh, that’s too bad, hope it gets better for ya” and then maybe text back with a funny joke or gif. But no, nothing. Just “hey how are you? How’s your day? How’s your afternoon? How’s your evening?” Over and over and over.

Eventually I was got really sick of it and had pretty much lost any interest in going out with him regardless of how cute he was. I was really tempted to type something like “oh, today was pretty crazy. I started my day with a car crash. The driver who crashed into me turned out to be Drew Carey. He felt really bad so he’s flying me out to L.A. to be on the next taping of ‘The Price is Right’.” I thought maybe something like that would give him a clue. But instead I resorted to being snarky with, “Yeah, things are about the same as they were two hours ago when you asked me that last time.” Alas, he just replied with, “lol, haha.” By that evening I had definitely had enough and when he asked me how my evening was going I asked him if he realized how often he asked me that question.  I counted 23 times in a matter of five days.  He apologized and said he hadn’t realized, and then never texted me again.  Well, I’d say that problem solved itself.

Until next time, smile on,

Maven

Drunk on eHarmony

I’ve mentioned it before, this is not my first time at the online dating rodeo. (Side note: An online dating rodeo would be a pretty amusing event.  First guy to hogtie a catfish in less than 10 seconds gets a prize!)

But my first experience of online dating was probably unlike most. Everyone has seen the eHarmony commercials. Happy couples, smiling, totally in love, totally believable.  Makes me think… I want that, I must need eHarmony.  And I know it works.  I’ve had several relatives and friends meet on eHarmony and marry, if it worked for them, it should work for me. Right? RIGHT?

eharmony_guy_0

Anyway, I was 26 or so, maybe younger, I can’t quite remember, and I was living high in a new city, with a great job and fun friends. So one particular night, after a lot of dancing and hard whiskey drinking, I was home trying to sober up before bed and was watching tv. And wouldn’t you know it, an eHarmony commercial aired.

It was probably 2:30 a.m. when the commercial aired and I was captivated. I saw those happy couples and I was like, darn it, why isn’t that me? It SHOULD be me. So, being my tipsy self, went to the eHarmony site (really at first I attempted going to rharmy.com and then ehamrony.com) and an hour and $250 later, I was an official member of the online dating community.

When I woke up the next morning I had a vague memory of seeing the commercial. Then I checked my bank account to see the damage from the bar and flipped when I saw the $250 debt.  Well, I’ve never been one to back down to a good opportunity, until I realized the guys that it started matching me with. (Sidenote:  What happens to those 29 dimensions of compatibility when you’re seeing double?  Do they turn into 58 dimensions of compatibility? I thought there was only 3 dimensions… well, 4 if you count time. Well, I suppose there are probably others that I don’t know about because I’m not a physicist. I wonder if physicists can manipulate the dimensions to their advantage… I wonder if they could access some kind of cosmic black hole of online dating.  Maybe that where all the normal people are. Stuck in a cosmic black hole of online dating…. or maybe that’s where I am…I digress.)

So I learned a lot about my drunken, lonely, sad, 2:30 a.m. self with the guys that got matched to my drunk profile.  Mostly that I was attracting other sad, lonely people.  Not really what I was looking for. Well, not when I was sober anyway. But I did find the entire situation pretty funny.

Since that time I’ve actually tried eHarmony a second time to see if my matches were any better when sober.  Unfortunately I ended up with the same result. The sad part was I think I preferred the drunk profile guys better, they at least knew how to get out and party, even if they were crying into their beers.

Ah well, we’ll get em next time.  Remember kids, not every opportunity is a golden one, but the ones that are will make you glow.

Until next time, smile on,

Maven